Super Mario Whales

So I just got back from this awesome cruise in Alaska, and it was like this total whale orgy. There were whales everywhere. It was the coolest thing every. Taking a nap? Whales. Brushing your teeth? Whales. Eating very hot and easily spillable soups at lunch? Whales. Jumping. By your window. Fan-blowhole-tastic!

Now on one of these awesome days, there were about 8-12 whales all in one place making bubblenets and having an all-around baller time. And it was pretty chilly so I went inside to make a hot chocolate and run back outside again. As I walk in the door, I hear this pinging noise. I didn't understand. I naturally assumed I was going crazy because, as we all know, it will inevitably happen someday. Most likely within the next 3 years.

But I wasn't going crazy. Instead, I found the source of this pinging peculiarity to be none other than a gameboy. Someone was playing a gameboy during the whale orgy. They were missing the scrumdiddlyumptious whale time due to Peach's inability to get the fuck out of the turtle's way and get to the goddamn flag jump.

I'm emotional.

Anyway, I could mildly possibly not really but i'll pretend to understand this behavior if it had been a pubescent boy whose parents just don't understand him, thus he must take it out on whale parties. Understandable. But no.

It was a 35 year old woman.

Mario: 1
Whale Orgies: Infinity

Tragedy of Improv

So I've been in Chicago all summer, taking class at Second City for a couple of weeks and seeing shows left and right.

Most of it has been hilarious, inspiring, and fresh. However, one group I saw, The Bad Touch, was mind-boggling beyond compare.

Some lines/scenes from their show:
-A girl is in her house when ghosts show up (voices from off stage), she begins to fight the furniture and finally is pinned down by a chair. A voice from offstage yells "I want you to fuck that chair." Blackout
-A woman is dealing with the death of her mother, her husband says "I've decided to appear only in blackface from now on." A few more minutes pass of the woman talking to other characters when her husband says again "I've changed your mother's will. She wanted to be buried in blackface." SCENE
-A 10 minute scene of a woman playing a 13 year old boy convincing another woman playing a 12 year old girl to give her a series of blowjobs.

...EVERYTHING IS DARKNESS AND TEARS!