Missing Gorilla Glory

So I will be arriving in the glorious city of London on the 24th of September. However, upon doing some research courtesy of Time Out London, my arrival will be just 24 hours after the most fantastic race of all time (according to yours truly, at least). You see, Delta Sigs, on the 23rd of August there will be a fantastic race through London of people wearing...

wait for it...

waaaaaait for it...

Gorilla Suits.

And I will not be there. Woe is me.

Now I just have one question: if I'm not there, who's going to give them bananas instead of gatorade??

Super Mario Whales

So I just got back from this awesome cruise in Alaska, and it was like this total whale orgy. There were whales everywhere. It was the coolest thing every. Taking a nap? Whales. Brushing your teeth? Whales. Eating very hot and easily spillable soups at lunch? Whales. Jumping. By your window. Fan-blowhole-tastic!

Now on one of these awesome days, there were about 8-12 whales all in one place making bubblenets and having an all-around baller time. And it was pretty chilly so I went inside to make a hot chocolate and run back outside again. As I walk in the door, I hear this pinging noise. I didn't understand. I naturally assumed I was going crazy because, as we all know, it will inevitably happen someday. Most likely within the next 3 years.

But I wasn't going crazy. Instead, I found the source of this pinging peculiarity to be none other than a gameboy. Someone was playing a gameboy during the whale orgy. They were missing the scrumdiddlyumptious whale time due to Peach's inability to get the fuck out of the turtle's way and get to the goddamn flag jump.

I'm emotional.

Anyway, I could mildly possibly not really but i'll pretend to understand this behavior if it had been a pubescent boy whose parents just don't understand him, thus he must take it out on whale parties. Understandable. But no.

It was a 35 year old woman.

Mario: 1
Whale Orgies: Infinity

Tragedy of Improv

So I've been in Chicago all summer, taking class at Second City for a couple of weeks and seeing shows left and right.

Most of it has been hilarious, inspiring, and fresh. However, one group I saw, The Bad Touch, was mind-boggling beyond compare.

Some lines/scenes from their show:
-A girl is in her house when ghosts show up (voices from off stage), she begins to fight the furniture and finally is pinned down by a chair. A voice from offstage yells "I want you to fuck that chair." Blackout
-A woman is dealing with the death of her mother, her husband says "I've decided to appear only in blackface from now on." A few more minutes pass of the woman talking to other characters when her husband says again "I've changed your mother's will. She wanted to be buried in blackface." SCENE
-A 10 minute scene of a woman playing a 13 year old boy convincing another woman playing a 12 year old girl to give her a series of blowjobs.

...EVERYTHING IS DARKNESS AND TEARS!

My biggest success as a big sister

Emma has just learned the first verse to Salt-n-Pepa's "Shoop."

My job is done.

Google Finally Disappointed Me

I was watching Obama's speech from the White House Correspondents' Dinner. That man is charming and affable. One particular joke caught my attention though.

Obama remarked that in the new spirit of openness for his administration he had been meeting with various heads of state: the President of Japan, the Prime Minister of Germany with pictures accompanying each person. Obama then said that he had been making time to meet with his enemies and not just his allies.

Then a picture of Obama sitting in the Oval Office with a pirate. That's right...

A FUCKING PIRATE

comes up on the screen. There's not much explanation about this pirate, Obama just says that the pirate gave him a copy of Peter Pan but he didn't read it.

While I understand that this is supposed to be a Somali pirate joke but they really went out there with the pirate costume. The only thing this pirate missed was a parrot.

So I head to google to find a picture of this pirate captain and turn up NOTHING! A few photoshopped pictures of Obama's face on a pirate, some skull and crossbones over the White House (not exactly sure what those are for) and Joe Biden in an eye patch.

Google, I NEED THIS. I WANT THIS. I HAVE TO HAVE THIS PICTURE OF OBAMA WITH A PIRATE.

IT'S A PIRATE FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!

Mother's Day

Also, remember Mother's day is this weekend. Save yourself some maternal-guilt and get tu madre a card!

(Because I wouldn't have if Toria hadn't reminded me!)

Metamorphosis (Wellesley News Column)

Metamorphosis:

Serious Observations on Finals Behavior

 

By Claire Ayoub, Dead Serious

 

            Well, reader, finals have fallen upon us again with the delicate nature of an A-bomb. These can also be called “midterms,” depending upon the sadistic tendencies of your professors. But fear not, reader. I will not waste your time with my whining. I’d prefer not to have this article pop up on a dartboard somewhere next to a picture of Ann Coulter.

            You see, when crunch-time hits, I tend to focus all my school energy on something non-academic. This semester, the focus has been people-watching. And now, instead of preparing for my Arabic final, I will expel just a bit more of that energy and tell you about it. I have categorized them by name, location, type, genus, and astrological sign:

 

Name: Deeply Tanned Academic Beauty

Location: Hazard Quad Lawn, Severance Green, Tower Court Lawn, Place With Grass and Access to UV Rays

Personal Quote: “Can you pass my lotion? Uh, I mean my multi-variable calculus textbook?”

 

The Deeply Tanned Academic Beauty is quite the fascinating specimen. She is able to sit outside for up to ten hours at a time and is completely impossible to distract. While everyone else complains about how they did not get to enjoy the weather due to studying, she will let out a surprised “Really?” and exhibit her perfectly even, golden-brown tan for her pale friends. Those friends secretly hate her.

 

Name: The Mole

Location: Room E101, Science Center, Various Windowless Rooms

Personal Quote: “AHH! THE SUNLIGHT! IT BURNS!”

 

The Mole is not experiencing just an emotional metamorphosis, but a physical one as well. Due to the long hours spent within windowless rooms, the Mole’s body only responds to fluorescent lighting and vending machines. Upon leaving the building during daylight hours (known to the Mole as “The Dark Times”), the Mole will let out an exclamation of pain and fumble to put on her sunglasses as quickly as possible. Eye contact is strongly discouraged.

 

Name: Starbucks Regular

Location: Starbucks (obvi!)

Personal Quote: “Seat’s taken.”

 

Congratulations, Starbucks Regular! You sniped that coveted table next to the outlet so you can stay put all day! Enjoy spending a month’s worth of wages on caffeinated beverages to quell that feeling of guilt when you refuse to give up your seat to that family of four. Just sip your guilt away, my friend.

 

Name: Clapp Dweller

Location: Our beloved Margaret Clapp Library

Personal Quote: “Clapp is my middle name.”

 

Clapp Dweller is pretty self-explanatory, although she normally varies by two breeds. The first is more of a nester, and chooses to sit at the same table and in the same chair with each visit. The second is a bit more diverse, and has made it a life-goal to sit in every chair and couch in her beloved second home. Both kinds can be found waiting at the door at 11:59 am on weekends. They will break the glass if doors are not unlocked precisely at noon.

 

Name: The Obsessive Couch Possessor

Location: Anderson Forum/ LCW Fireplace Room

Personal Quote: “I will cut you.”

 

That is her couch. If anybody is on it, the imposter will be verbally slapped and glared at until discomfort causes her to move. To the Obsessive Couch Possessor, Anderson Forum is not a social place. It is a forum for study time. Can be found muttering, “Oh, I’m sorry! Did you say something? Get out of my forum.”

 

Name: Boycotting People Until May 22^nd

Location: Dorm Room

Personal Quote: “RESPECT QUIET HOURS!”

 

People-watching requires people to leave their rooms. There is not enough data on such a person to comment. She also scares me.

 

            Well there you have it, reader! And before you get upset, I will let you know that I fit into several of those molds myself. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to stop by Starbucks to scowl at the girl who sniped my table before returning to E101. Ahh! The sunlight! It burns!