Metamorphosis:
Serious Observations on Finals Behavior
By Claire Ayoub, Dead Serious
Well, reader, finals have fallen upon us again with the delicate nature of an A-bomb. These can also be called “midterms,” depending upon the sadistic tendencies of your professors. But fear not, reader. I will not waste your time with my whining. I’d prefer not to have this article pop up on a dartboard somewhere next to a picture of Ann Coulter.
You see, when crunch-time hits, I tend to focus all my school energy on something non-academic. This semester, the focus has been people-watching. And now, instead of preparing for my Arabic final, I will expel just a bit more of that energy and tell you about it. I have categorized them by name, location, type, genus, and astrological sign:
Name: Deeply Tanned Academic Beauty
Location: Hazard Quad Lawn, Severance Green, Tower Court Lawn, Place With Grass and Access to UV Rays
Personal Quote: “Can you pass my lotion? Uh, I mean my multi-variable calculus textbook?”
The Deeply Tanned Academic Beauty is quite the fascinating specimen. She is able to sit outside for up to ten hours at a time and is completely impossible to distract. While everyone else complains about how they did not get to enjoy the weather due to studying, she will let out a surprised “Really?” and exhibit her perfectly even, golden-brown tan for her pale friends. Those friends secretly hate her.
Name: The Mole
Location: Room E101, Science Center, Various Windowless Rooms
Personal Quote: “AHH! THE SUNLIGHT! IT BURNS!”
The Mole is not experiencing just an emotional metamorphosis, but a physical one as well. Due to the long hours spent within windowless rooms, the Mole’s body only responds to fluorescent lighting and vending machines. Upon leaving the building during daylight hours (known to the Mole as “The Dark Times”), the Mole will let out an exclamation of pain and fumble to put on her sunglasses as quickly as possible. Eye contact is strongly discouraged.
Name: Starbucks Regular
Location: Starbucks (obvi!)
Personal Quote: “Seat’s taken.”
Congratulations, Starbucks Regular! You sniped that coveted table next to the outlet so you can stay put all day! Enjoy spending a month’s worth of wages on caffeinated beverages to quell that feeling of guilt when you refuse to give up your seat to that family of four. Just sip your guilt away, my friend.
Name: Clapp Dweller
Location: Our beloved Margaret Clapp Library
Personal Quote: “Clapp is my middle name.”
Clapp Dweller is pretty self-explanatory, although she normally varies by two breeds. The first is more of a nester, and chooses to sit at the same table and in the same chair with each visit. The second is a bit more diverse, and has made it a life-goal to sit in every chair and couch in her beloved second home. Both kinds can be found waiting at the door at 11:59 am on weekends. They will break the glass if doors are not unlocked precisely at noon.
Name: The Obsessive Couch Possessor
Location: Anderson Forum/ LCW Fireplace Room
Personal Quote: “I will cut you.”
That is her couch. If anybody is on it, the imposter will be verbally slapped and glared at until discomfort causes her to move. To the Obsessive Couch Possessor, Anderson Forum is not a social place. It is a forum for study time. Can be found muttering, “Oh, I’m sorry! Did you say something? Get out of my forum.”
Name: Boycotting People Until May 22nd
Location: Dorm Room
Personal Quote: “RESPECT QUIET HOURS!”
People-watching requires people to leave their rooms. There is not enough data on such a person to comment. She also scares me.
Well there you have it, reader! And before you get upset, I will let you know that I fit into several of those molds myself. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to stop by Starbucks to scowl at the girl who sniped my table before returning to E101. Ahh! The sunlight! It burns!
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